Saturday, February 28, 2009

Vignette: Villain Wiretap

Wiretap transcript picks up after The Hammer returns from the diner’s restroom . . .

The Hammer: “So that’s the plan? Let me tell you, it sucks.”

Psycho-K: “No, it doesn’t. It’s gonna work.”

The Hammer: “Yeah, right up until the part where we get nailed at the docks.”

Psycho-K: “That ain’t gonna happen. You weren’t paying attention.”

The Hammer: “Well, I’m sure the rest of it was nice. I kind of focused on the part that was crap.”

Unknown Voice (possibly Gentleman Johnny? Cross-reference with clues below): “Will you two just—“

Psycho-K: “Oh, yeah, I forgot your incredible power of focus.”

The Hammer: Taps table. “Like a f***ing laser, baby.”

Unknown Voice: “Seriously, this constant bickering grows tiresome. I could be pursuing my own goals--”

The Hammer: Snorts. “Give me a break. Like that pays the bills.”

Unknown Voice: “What is that supposed to imply—“

Psycho-K: “Wait, I’m getting a mental impression here. A definite message. ‘I could be knocking off another museum and stealing a bunch of useless old shit nobody can fence.’”

The Hammer: Laughs. “’Oh, but first I have to pick the gayest possible thing to steal. Diamond-studded eggs?”

Psycho-K: “Statues of naked guys with no johnsons?”

Unknown Voice: “You can both pucker up and kiss my ass, you ignorant Neanderthals.”

Psycho-K: “Hey, I’m sorry if we interrupted your art collecting to offer you a chance to make actual money.”

The Hammer: “You mean to offer us a ticket back to prison.”

Jostling of silverware, rustling of clothing.

The Hammer: “What are you doing down there, man?”

Psycho-K: “I’m just looking for your balls, man.”

Unknown Voice: Voice muffled. “Wonderful. Here we go again.”

Psycho-K: “Just sayin’, you seem to be lacking in the cojones department all of a sudden.”

The Hammer: “Pointing out the huge gaping hole in your piece of shit plan is not—“

Psycho-K: Calls to the waitress. “Miss? Have you seen a pair of balls lying around anywhere? Big brass ones? My friend here seems to have lost his.”

The Hammer: “Fine, a**hole. You wanna go? Is that it? You wanna test the invulnerability again? Just say the word.”

Unknown Voice: “With great power comes great stupidity.”

Psycho-K: “Hey, don’t lose it with me because you’re afraid.”

The Hammer: “Afraid? I’ll leave the Gauntlets of Mars in the car, mother-f*****. How about that?”

Psycho-K: “You’re not afraid of getting hurt, amigo. That would be like me being worried about satisfying the ladies. You’re afraid of going back to stir.”

The Hammer: “And you want to go back? Hate to tell you, that doesn’t make me afraid, it makes you stupid.”

Psycho-K: Shakes his head. “Hell, no, I don’t want to go back. But I’m sure as s*** not going to live ducking my head and shuffling my feet hoping that the Man or the capes don’t notice me. Think about who you are, brother. You keep doing this small-time s***, people are going to think you up and died." Pause. "Back me up here, G.”

Unknown Voice: “He’s right about one thing. You can’t hide your light under a bushel.”

The Hammer: “How are you falling for this? You're the one with a college education.”

Unknown Voice: “I’m serious. Either you do these things, live this life we’ve chosen, or you don’t. You go straight. If you can, perhaps that’s the wisest course of action. But I can’t walk the path of the straight and narrow. I've tried. Leave aside the money and the material things I covet. I can’t give up the thrill, the edge, that sweet taste that comes when you get dealt a winning hand and actually beat one of those holier-than-thou spandex bastards. And you, you’ve sipped that nectar so many more times than have I. You can’t hope to replicate that sort of thrill unless you face true challenges to your ability.”

Psycho-K: "Time to step up to the big show again, my brother."

The Hammer: Sighs. "I don't know."

Psycho-K: "C'mon man, you know you want to say it." Pounds table. "It's Hammer Time, baby!"

Unknown Voice: "Could you possibly attract more attention, you amped up . . . ."

Coffee believed to have spilled on the surveillance device. Transcript ends.


Aaron DaMommio said...

Heh, this is a lot of fun.

Doug said...

Thanks! I found it while searching through some documents. I think I must have done this after reading Soon I Will Be Invincible, though the Hammer seems partly inspired by Captain Hammer from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

And Psycho-K is basically early 20's Keith C. after a few beers.

Aaron DaMommio said...

You seem to enjoy these crew scenes. I know I like 'em. Where's my full length caper novel, sir?